Mostly every weekend I get this dreaded voicemail. Something huge is happening and I am either sleeping or not there. Is there anything worse than the “Dude where are you!?” voicemail? Maybe a bag of puppies on fire, but besides that nothing is worse. Here is a template for that type of voicemail:
Hey ________ (Bro / Moretti / Fag)
Oh my God you ________ (are never going to believe this / are going to totally shit yourself / are going to want to die). I am at a______ (sick house party / crowded frat party / wild ass bar) and you are never going to believe who walked in! Yup that’s right, ________ (famous athlete / local celebrity / professor) just strolled right in. And guess who he was with! That girl you like from _______ (class / work / that 90’s movie), and she was looking _____ (hot / fucking hot / unbelievably fucking hot) So anyway we all just got _____ (hammered / high / funny wallet sized pictures from a photo booth) together and sang _______ (Don’t Stop Believin’ / Billie Jean / Piano Man) at the top of our lungs! This was the best night ______ (ever / of my life / in the history of nights). Wish you were ______ (here / not a loser / not sleeping).
Later ______ (bitch / idiot / queer)
--MM--
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