Pro Sports Name Changes

Starring Matt Leinart...

Little known Tampa Bay Bucs lineman Greg White has officially changed his name to Stylez G. White in honor of a "Teen Wolf" character. Hilarious? Yes. Almost as hilarious as if Chad Ocho Cinco got traded to an NFL team where the number 85 was retired. Here are some other NFL characters who should change their names to appropriate movie characters.

Tom Brady (QB Patriots) - Lance Harbor (QB West Cannes Coyotes); In the movie Varsity Blues (which is one of my Top 5 There's Nothing Else To Watch So Let's Put This In Because I Haven't Seen This One In Awhile movie list) Lance is the starting quarterback for the West Cannes Coyotes and gets his knee mangled in the first game of the season. Unknown backup Johnathon Moxon steps in and becomes a hero blah blah blah gets accepted to Brown yada yada yada wins the respect of his teammates and also gets a faceful of whipped cream bikini from Ali Larter. Sound like a certain scenario playing out a Gillette Stadium near you? Yeah, exactly.

Roger Goodell (NFL Commisioner) - Joe Clark (Principle, East Side High); If you haven't seen Lean On Me staring Morgan Freeman as a crazy ass school principle brought in to clean up the WORST high school in California (maybe its New York but whatever shit is nuts in there) No seriously, in the first scene a teacher gets his skull cracked against the hallway floor and people are selling drugs like they sold ... well drugs... in my high school. Needless to say the place is out of control. Joe Clark comes in, gets the names of all the hoodlums in school and promptly expels them. Then he puts chains on the doors so those little nincompoops cant get back in. He rules with an iron fist and of course blah blah blah no one believed in us but you yada yada yada minority triumph etc. Roger Goodell runs the NFL the same way, suspend people first, ask questions later. All the while kicking some ass and taking some names (and game checks)

J.P. Losman (QB, Bills) - Mr. Bean (British character, idiot); Mr. Bean is a character played by British comedian Rowan Atkinson and if you haven't seen his old shows the man is a total moron. He puts himself in awkward situations and always seems to have the wrong thing happen at the wrong time. If someone has driven a car 1000 times and the steering wheel has never come off, you can bet that when Mr. Bean drives that car the steering wheel is out the fucking window. Losman is Bean, his ineptitude with the football this weekend gave the Jets the game. On that last play he was handling the football like it was a greased up bomb that he wanted nothing to do with. There is a reason hes the backup, and now we all remember why.

Matt Leinart (QB, Cardinals) - Will Hunting (genius, Good Will Hunting); Blessed with tremendous talent and brains, Will Hunting would rather sit around drinking beer with his buddies and beating the snot out of some kid who stole his pacifier in preschool. So Will falls in with some MIT crowds and is mandated to see a wise psychologist who changes his life. Matt Leinart is headed in that direction for sure. Cant you just imagine the speech from Kurt Warner at training camp this year? (No. Fuck you, you don't owe it to yourself man, you owe it to me. Cuz tomorrow I'm gonna wake up and I'll be 50, and I'll be out of this game. And that's all right. That's fine. I mean, you're sittin' on a winnin' lottery ticket. And you're too much of a pussy to cash it in, and that's bullshit. 'Cause I'd do fuckin' anything to have what you got. So would any of these fuckin' guys. It'd be an insult to us if you're still a backup in 2 years. Hangin' around on the bench is a fuckin' waste of your time. ) And cant you just see the speech from coach Ken Whisenhunt this offseason when he was deciding who to make his starting quarterback? (You don't know about real loss, 'cause it only occurs when you've loved something more than you love yourself. And I doubt you've ever dared to love anybody that much. And look at you... I don't see an intelligent, confident man... I see a cocky, scared shitless kid. But you're a great quarterback Matt. No one denies that.)

--MM--